Confessions

Dear Diary,

          If you are to ask me what I am upto now-a-days, I'd tell you my secret. The secret that is guarded in the secrecy of my journal, in the randomness of my C-drive's folders and in the vagueness of my words. The secret that probably holds more truth in my life than many other not-so-secret secrets. And the secret that has helped me in breaking into my soul and convincing myself for the time being (not an easy task, mind you) that I need no further soul-searching for the biggest and truest passions of my life, since it had been on my to-do list all along. The secret, my friend, is that I am endeavoring hard (not that hard, though) to make the 'fear of writing' disappear from my mind, my heart and my life.For me, writing was simply a hobby, an artistic pursuit and a creativity outlet. Since when it evolved from a mere hobby to the frustration of a quality-conscious freak? My mind remains elusive about it. However, I haven't surrendered yet. I have boraded the pilot seat of my air-drive but I haven't taken off yet. Instead, I am giving myself time and space to comprehend the gears and mechanics of its working. It wasn't always like that. I was not always as much conscious, apprehensive or judgemental. Things turned around when I started expecting more of out this creative-spree than just sheer joy, when I started comparing myself to the giants and not-so-giants.So, I have  devoted myself to reading the feelings and experiences of professional writers to re-ignite the right wing of my intellectual army. I call this 'Operation Creativity' :-).  

          If others, dear diary, are to ask me the same question about my whereabouts, I'd simply supply them with  the superficial information, something that appears on the surface, something that is expected of a person supposed to be well-placed in life, something that is revered and something that doesn't raise an eyebrow. These achievements earn us points that scale-up our worth on the society's yardstick of accetibility. For this very acceptance, we would prefer concealing our struggles, vulnerabilities and shortcomings behind a plastic smile and disposable confidence. Afterall, this is an ultimate survival technique in such a critically judgemental society as ours. In the midst of the competition of sorts (beauty, wealth, talent etc.), 'being yourself' is now a mere luxury that you cannot afford unless you've hit a certain milestone in your life. Not being ourselves then become a mere pretence for someday 'becoming ourself'. But the truth is, the flavor of the society's accepted club is so addicting that once we've tasted it, it's hard to hold ourselves back. In the follow-up, we'll keep inventing new pretences and tossing in a variety of excuses just to keep the show going on, because in this basket of life, you do not get to handpick the fruit of your choice. You are handed down your share either through a particular order or via random shuffling of turns or by a lucky draw and once you get something , you can do nothing to change that, because it just isn't the society's norm. Hence, if by virtue of a good fortune, sweet serendipity or karma, you do get what you had secretely wished for, you would be a downright fool to toss it away.

        Now-a-days I am making myself believe from the darkest, shadowest corners of my mind that NOTHING is impossible for a person with passion. I want to stick this thought so firmly in my mind that it doesn't dissolve or wash away over the passing days, various experiences and phases of life. In addition to 'Operation Creativity', I am on a mission to LIVE life one day at a time. This time I really hope I will stick around InshaAllah!

It's always a Good Time!

                              Do you have issues concentrating on the present and staying relevant? Do you find it hard focusing on what's happening and easily drifts towards 'what can happen' instead? Do you fly away across distant parts of the world, even distant eras, in your imagination? Do you like living in a vague and totally fantasy-laden future? Does your imaginary world set you on a high? Do you go 'missing' from the current moment to a totally elusive world? Do you talk/think/write about that 'someday' frequently? Are you hopelessly optimistic? Do you have wild dreams that will perhaps never close in on reality? Have you ever pulled all nighters dreaming about 'that dream'? Do you often find yourself smiling to self on jumping onto some random conclusions? Do a few songs remind you of a few good times and a few bad ones? Do you lose count of time when you are busy living an imaginary life in your mind? Do you spend hours anticipating scenarios that you know are never likely to happen, but still you hope one day they well? Does one shattered dream make you more persistent for the next one? Does one good sentence, one good song or one tiny achievement dye your world in technicolor? Do you need a break after social gatherings to extract your 'me' time? Are you always busy in searching for that tiny ray of light at the end of every dark tunnel? Do you wander aimlessly often? Is your life progressing much more on the adrenaline rush than on need-basis? Do new things fascinate you quickly as they bore you? Do you have the ability to swing from one extreme to the other within a short time span?

Are you tirelessly passionate at certain times and a bit on the down side at other times? Is your Life a passion for you? Are you an enthusiastic planner but end up doing all the action in your mind-field only? Do you want experiment with everything at least once in your life-time?          

                     Welcome to my world! While a lot of research has gone into exploring the cosmos and unraveling the mysteries of the oceans, little is known about the scope of human imagination (wild imagination?) I am no recent entry in this cryptic world so I have a backpack of my own observations and hypotheses about it. And these deductions merely underpin my speculation; you can just go deeper and deeper. Nevertheless, it is a roller-coaster ride. It’ll inspire you to dance the chicken dance on the quite-so-ordinary days and leave you bewildered other times. Blues, pinks and reds will go hand in hand. And you’ll be quite a specimen of your own type ;). But know what? You’ll never be bored! ;)

101 Things to be Thankful For!

     I am yet to meet a person who doesn't consume half of his day in 

a) Cursing the inadequacies of his life. 

b)Envying what others have 

c) Neglecting the blessings of his own life

d) Craving for a royal receiving

e) Loathing his ''fate'';

                 including myself! Yes, this is what a man is made of in the 21st century. Agitation, depression, panic, competition and extreme anxiety! I read somewhere "You are what you think'and since then, this particular ''thought'' has been resting gracefully in a shadowy corner of my mind, neither begging for attention nor pushing its way through my daily ordeals. But my mind has wandered off to its simplicity each and every day, if not for every minute. And today while driving to my workplace, I had that 'Áha' moment, what I've been missing out on! Your guess is as good as mine, the missing link had been 'Being Greatful'! It is as if we are ensnared in a relay-race circuit. We rush towards our first target with our heart and soul to pass on the baton. However, since this race is individualistic and solely ours, on reaching upon the first designated target, instead of handing out the baton to a partner we clamp it in our fists and without stopping, we dash towards the second target; huffing and puffing but still going strong. By the time we reach the closing end of the relay, we're drained and dead-beaten. And by the time we are through the finishing line, we turn around and contemplate that we kept running, pushing harder and harder and not enjoying even a single victory along the way, because we had no time to do so. How could have we stopped and took a respite to 'celebrate' while our counterparts were making it through the finishing line? We don't yet step on the marked line of first 4x100 relay, that are eyes are already fixed on the next standard relay! And this is how life goes on. Except that, this is NOT life, this is merely a race we've become a part of. 

               And my 'Aha' moment made me realize that I don't want to be a part of this race any more. I want to LIVE life. I want to create magical moments instead of just waiting for my royal calling.  I want to stand still for a while and feel the rain on my skin instead of just skimming through every phase. I want to hitch-hike, wander and discover. I want to slow down and take life, one day at a time. I want to smile frequently, laugh carelessly and just NOT over-think. Because I want to lead a happy man's life not a mechanic's driveway! So, I decided to start being THANKFUL  to ALMIGHTY ALLAH for all His blessings on me, to start celebrating the smaller offerings of life (which are in fact long-lasting and much more real), to stop dreaming about a 'must-have life' rather start living my OWN life and to be more conscious about the present than ever!

                 This is my first post in this regard. So, here it goes.

1. Today I am thankful to Almighty Allah for a comfortable living that I have been bestowed with. 

              I wake-up each morning without having to worry about arranging for money to pay for the day's meals. I survive through the day without fainting, begging or depending. I wrap my body under the layers of warm clothing when everything outside is iced with frost. And shroud myself  in loose drapes, when the sun shines in full swing. At night, I rest in my peaceful abode where my concerns are only trifling and escapable.     

The Wild One!

I'll spread my wings and learn how to fly. I really will!

A Monologue!

Sometimes I think I have suffered enough and it's time for me to win. But apparently that's not the case! This is a long journey and the battle is only half-fought, let alone won. When will the time come when my turbulent ship will dock at the harbor of peace and contentment? Will it even ever dock, for that matter? It’s all painted gray. Contradiction, guilt trips and an elusive imagination! Life’s driving me down the road and I am blindfolded. All I know is, this too I shall survive (InshaAllah). But for once, I don’t want to survive through things, I want to LIVE through them, just once! Not to be fooled by words or the looks of things anymore. I don’t want to roam around anymore, or maybe I want to, not just in the same old streets. See, I told you, contradictions!

Things don’t really change, do they? They only transform, from one form to another, at least that’s what happens in the lives of underprivileged, luckless and ordinary men! Their dreams become a reality for others, and others’ fears, their reality! But then you can have a pocket full of bucks and a hunger satiated with sumptuous food, and still you wander on empty roads reflecting on why things are the way they are! You can stuff yourself with all the sophistication and live-heartedness, and still find yourself bowled up in a corner of your room.  You may ramble on incessantly and laugh out audaciously in a crowd, but save up eruption of the boiling matter for private moments. You may think you are good enough, but you may not feel that way. You may consider that one stroke of yours is near-perfection, but you may not receive any such results.

Just remember, you suffer alone and you only celebrate in a crowd. And that you can’t fight against your fate!

Goodbye Classroom!

I remember those days, the final year of my graduation, not too long ago when I would stay wake till late at night searching for scholarships, acquainting myself with diverse arenas of my field and instantly fascinated with many of the courses offered worldwide. It’s a matter of wee bit ambiguity as to what made me fall in love with higher education, what allured me to lead a life stringed with miscellaneous experiences and breach the enclosure of orthodox-living.  Whatever the case maybe, the source of this inspiration is now merely trivial. What weighs more is the process, the trail that would lead up to the haven of my pictured-life. As it goes, beginnings are hard and endings are not everything, what matters the most is the intermediary voyage of discovery. And looking back, beginnings become beautiful, the expeditions, a memory and endings melt away before you could prick yourself to check on reality. The tale of my last undergraduate lecture, my last UG exam and my Graduation day is by no means ancient, yet I feel this concluding day of my Mphil classes is a much more delicate subject.  It is for the reason that a wave of sweet pain has familiarized us with the reality that there will be no more seemingly wearisome classes or mass-pleadings to postpone the quizzes, no  eye signaling or  spicy gossips, no giggling frantically on inside jokes or complaining over the taxing coursework, no  spur-of-the-moment plans of draining someone’s pocket or bunking a class and  bunching together everlasting memories.  There is a shadowy cloud of sadness that reminds us that there will be no more exciting round-the-country tours or a short trip to Fortress Stadium, no lovely burgers or papri chart of Anarkali in the lunch, no panicking over an exam 1 hour away without preparation, no spamming of power-point slides with copy-paste material :D, no making big plans and forgetting all about them the next day, no secret meetings or poking fun at seemingly head-over-heels couples, no assignment copying or project cons, no making up senseless logics to back your argument in front of the teacher and then claiming support from friends. There will be no endless grumbling over the unfair GPA system, the education system or the entire system of the country :D. There will be no that one friend who always stood-by and even that who always ditched. There will be no half-embarrassed, half-amused expressions over the inadequacy of your budget in a restaurant. There will be no unanticipated first-class grades and no excitement on the unexpected cancelling of classes. There will be no hating that one particular teacher and buttering that other one. There will be no chattering of the recent mega-fight between your classmates or the secret you eavesdropped. Above all, we’ll never sit together as a class as we used to in the past. You can go farther, pursue higher degrees, but you’ll never sit in the classroom with a schoolboy/girl attitude and get away with it. So, here I am, bidding my farewell, Good-Bye Classroom!

Life Goes On!

As you continue running in circles of your dreams, problems and breakthroughs, life goes on. You stare at a certain picture hanging on your wall and the next time you indulge in contemplation while gazing at the same picture, you realize 3 years have gone by. Life goes on. The picture-perfect life that you once dreamed for yourself, distorts and transform or sometimes gets even pleasanter. Either way, life goes on. Mostly, you don’t like what’s yours, what you like is mostly others’. When fortunes switch, you start liking what you had, not what you have. Still, life goes on. You change for the better and sometimes for the worst, life goes on. You learn a skill or two, and unlearn sometime later. Life goes on. You are frustrated and frenzied, you are jealoused and chaotic and then all of a sudden, you are at peace. Life goes on. You make daily time tables, re-write to-do lists, stick quick notes on your cupboard and in a flash forget all about it. Life goes on. You fall in love, you fall out of love. Life goes on. You lie and you get away with it, you tell the truth and get admonished. You laugh, you grumble. You run, you dance or you simply collapse. Life goes on. You are young, you are hale and hearty and the next moment you are sick, old and nauseous. Life goes on.

                When do we realize that life ACTUALLY goes on? Probably never!