Confessions

Dear Diary,

          If you are to ask me what I am upto now-a-days, I'd tell you my secret. The secret that is guarded in the secrecy of my journal, in the randomness of my C-drive's folders and in the vagueness of my words. The secret that probably holds more truth in my life than many other not-so-secret secrets. And the secret that has helped me in breaking into my soul and convincing myself for the time being (not an easy task, mind you) that I need no further soul-searching for the biggest and truest passions of my life, since it had been on my to-do list all along. The secret, my friend, is that I am endeavoring hard (not that hard, though) to make the 'fear of writing' disappear from my mind, my heart and my life.For me, writing was simply a hobby, an artistic pursuit and a creativity outlet. Since when it evolved from a mere hobby to the frustration of a quality-conscious freak? My mind remains elusive about it. However, I haven't surrendered yet. I have boraded the pilot seat of my air-drive but I haven't taken off yet. Instead, I am giving myself time and space to comprehend the gears and mechanics of its working. It wasn't always like that. I was not always as much conscious, apprehensive or judgemental. Things turned around when I started expecting more of out this creative-spree than just sheer joy, when I started comparing myself to the giants and not-so-giants.So, I have  devoted myself to reading the feelings and experiences of professional writers to re-ignite the right wing of my intellectual army. I call this 'Operation Creativity' :-).  

          If others, dear diary, are to ask me the same question about my whereabouts, I'd simply supply them with  the superficial information, something that appears on the surface, something that is expected of a person supposed to be well-placed in life, something that is revered and something that doesn't raise an eyebrow. These achievements earn us points that scale-up our worth on the society's yardstick of accetibility. For this very acceptance, we would prefer concealing our struggles, vulnerabilities and shortcomings behind a plastic smile and disposable confidence. Afterall, this is an ultimate survival technique in such a critically judgemental society as ours. In the midst of the competition of sorts (beauty, wealth, talent etc.), 'being yourself' is now a mere luxury that you cannot afford unless you've hit a certain milestone in your life. Not being ourselves then become a mere pretence for someday 'becoming ourself'. But the truth is, the flavor of the society's accepted club is so addicting that once we've tasted it, it's hard to hold ourselves back. In the follow-up, we'll keep inventing new pretences and tossing in a variety of excuses just to keep the show going on, because in this basket of life, you do not get to handpick the fruit of your choice. You are handed down your share either through a particular order or via random shuffling of turns or by a lucky draw and once you get something , you can do nothing to change that, because it just isn't the society's norm. Hence, if by virtue of a good fortune, sweet serendipity or karma, you do get what you had secretely wished for, you would be a downright fool to toss it away.

        Now-a-days I am making myself believe from the darkest, shadowest corners of my mind that NOTHING is impossible for a person with passion. I want to stick this thought so firmly in my mind that it doesn't dissolve or wash away over the passing days, various experiences and phases of life. In addition to 'Operation Creativity', I am on a mission to LIVE life one day at a time. This time I really hope I will stick around InshaAllah!